When life gives you sliding doors…

Remember that film with Gwyneth Paltrow, “Sliding Doors” where one incident (involving a door obviously) splits her life in two. In one eventuality she goes through the train doors and the other she doesn’t. Then the film follows her through both possible lives. It’s actually really good and she gets the most brilliant post break up hair cut in one of the scenes.

Anyway, in a way that’s almost what my OCD feels like. An urge to do something to amend the possible outcome of what is realistically a fake threat. And if I do the thing then all will be ok, if I don’t do the thing, SBWH (Something Bad Will Happen.) The possibilities of the SBWH are dramatically adventurous. And it’s like the two alternate scenarios start running in my mind, like scenes in a film. Touch something green when you see a magpie and a serene, calm perfectly lovely day will unfold. Don’t and all hell will crash down on everyone you love.

Walk over two drain covers and the tranquility will be almost tangible.

Walk over three and you may as well lay in the road.

You get the idea.

Maybe it’s because I’m so imaginative? I’ve always loved a game of “what would you do?” And after many years my husband will now join in. At first if me or the kid would say to him something like “What would you do if you had to choose between no elbows or no knees?” He would reply with “Well that wouldn’t happen would it?” These days he is more open to it and turns out he would choose no knees.

But yes, the imagination can be great for writing and humour but not so much when teamed with a brain cursed with Hyper Responsibility. Because, yes I know so, so many of us live with OCD and the fear that SBWH if we don’t adhere to the compulsions, but the fact my fears are never vague is exhausting.

So back to Gwyneth, whose name I spell so incorrectly every time my spell check gives up and I have to Google her. She didn’t foresee that if she made the train her life would go one way and if she didn’t it would go so drastically the other way.

It’s like the burnt toast theory of if you burn your toast you’re late and therefore are not where you’re meant to be at the planned time potentially saving you from danger. There are a lot of 9/11 stories about this by the way. And I really like that theory, I also stretch it a fair bit when I’m running late in the morning and my husband gets flustered on our drive to work and I suggest he thanks me for ensuring we miss a seven car pile up.

Gwyneth (like seriously, how did she get through school with that name?!) just cracked on with her two lives not knowing that something so minor could have controlled the outcome so majorly. But, this is just a film. And OCD is real life, but really, it’s not real. Yes the struggle is real, but the compulsion, the act and then the outcome isn’t.

I often think it’s quite funny how someone can stand at that lovely fountain in Rome and throw a coin over their shoulder, make a wish, and post it on instagram and nobody really thinks anything. Except for maybe we should stop throwing money away in this economy? But someone could be standing next to them, doing their Arithmomania (compulsive counting) with their hands due to the fear of SBWH. The coin thrower is wishing for something good, and the OCD’er is on the surface doing the same. But only one gets the likes on instagram.

When it gets to the end of Happy Birthday and people say “Make a wish” everyone is like “aaah” when the candles are blown out and the one in the birthday hat closes their eyes to concentrate on the wish at hand. But imagine if someone shouted “Touch every candle three times to check it’s definitely out or fire will ravage this house tonight while everyone sleeps!”

Wouldn’t really have the same effect would it?

Being in the depths of a mental health hinderance pulls me in two directions. On one hand, I want it gone asap, I want to not care, not think, not act and certainly not worry. But on the other hand, I want to understand it, I want to tackle it and dissect it, pull it apart and hold it up to the light to expose what we deal with.

And the only way out is through.

So honestly, is the burnt toast theory, throwing coins in a fountain and making a wish on your birthday that different to walking back through a door seven times because you didn’t do it properly the first time, washing your hands 200 times a day or not being able to go to sleep until you’ve touched wood an amount of times that aligns with every member of your family so they won’t die in the night? On the surface, I want to say no, life is tough and scary and if you are a superstitious person then you do you. Do what makes you feel good to get you through. Toss that coin and make that wish.

But OCD isn’t about what makes you feel good, it’s what makes you feel safe.

If you don’t make a wish at your birthday or have any spare change when you pass a fountain it doesn’t hit the same way it does for someone with OCD when their counting is interrupted.

So, maybe life is a series of sliding doors and without us even noticing events happen, or don’t happen because of a slight amendment to your day. And maybe it’s about accepting that belief, whilst also accepting that you can’t control everything, but you can control how you react to it. And that starts with how we react to the compulsion.

And that if your city is like mine and the train is always late, your day is only ever realistically going to go one way. So I wouldn’t start considering that as a sign.